Caved In...Not

Shame and mortification abound.  I guess by "caving in" I must mean "feeling guilty every day I don't do a workout because I said I was going to."  Honestly, I do dislike it that much. Plus, if I spend my time and energy on that, then I don't get to run.  And running is hard enough during Track season.

I also have to admit that I was going to start in the Fall, then I knew I wouldn't be able to maintain through the scheduled surgery in December, so I postponed to Winter.  Then I waited through recovery, focusing on my running, and then all of the sudden it's Spring and I still am not there.  The issue at hand must be scheduling.  So, I refine my resolution.  I resolve to CrossFit 3 times a week. No, let's start at 2.  Twice a week with strength training.  Which kind of isn't CF, but at least during Track season, it's a start. 

There.

Now to the harder topic of emotional health.  As a mom, this is the hardest.  You would think that with the constant resistance on a daily, hourly, minutely basis, the emotional muscles would be Schwartzenegger caliber.  Not so.  I think the metaphor is marathonic in nature.  Does that make me emotionally skinny with few reserves?  It's all the same issue, at the core.  The emotions are fed by something and when that something isn't enough to sustain working through the resistance, then you are in trouble.  I'm not quite sure at the moment what the source ought to be -- I've tried chocolate, comfort food, coffee, burrowing into my bed with a heating pad and a book...  None are up to the challenge.

If I went with my gut, I'd say the food is faith.  And hope?  Knowing that the race you are running is not in vain.  That your sweat, toil, labor is an investment in something good.  When that faith is tested, wavers, falls...you are like David on his couch with grief bone-deep inside.  All the cliches are real.  The sun is dark; the sky weeps; the earth groans; your energy is gone; your sight grows dim.  If you are really in bad shape, even the cuteness of little ones fails to spark joy.  Marie Kondo despairs because no matter what you try at home in the organization department, it doesn't help.

And so, here we are, God help us.